Not seeing my friends for a while really sucked. So when I got the call from Jim on Tuesday that he was going to pick up Ashby on Wednesday, he wanted me to go as well. I haven't seen these guys since... well just before James moved to Kemptville from Ottawa, about two to three months, or something like that.
I asked Amanda and she grudgingly granted permission. At first it was just that she doesn't like me to leave. Sometimes I think that she doesn't like my friends, but that's ok. Not everyone likes everyone else. Then she confronted me (and it was a good confrontation as well) last night before I left and gave me someother reasons why she didn't want me to go. It was hard for her to say it and I fully understand them and I still love her even though she finally came out and said it.
Not in these exact words but pretty much, "Shape up or Ship out." I've been unemployed for about four months, and I haven't really done much about it myself. Which I think is the main thing that people are getting upset about. And I fully understand and I do side with them on that. If you've read my previous entry, this is another point towards me being evil.
I've always had people do things for me. I've never really had to do them myself, which is REALLY not a good thing. That's one major sideffect of being a mamma's boy. My mother always made my decisions for me, told me what to do, where to go, how to do it. I think that's why Military life appealed to me so much. They tell you what to do all the time. I've never really thought for myself... I always claim to be an individual, but actually I think I'm turning into one of those automotons. Dammit. *sigh*
Well, that's all that's on my mind really today so, I guess I'll talk to ya'll later,
Chuck
November 10, 2005
October 30, 2005
This is to all the people who still read my blog, even though the postings are few and far between you still check in every now and then... From the bottom of my heart, thank you. And now to the posting.
Being unemployed and a generally unmotivated person are not a good combination, but it gives me LOTS of time to think and reflect on the past, present and future. And I have come to a conclusion.
I am evil.
Some points to back up my hypothosis. I have no friends. (and that is not a slight against them at all) I have never let anyone get close to me, I am superficial, and am so buried under masks and fakeness I don't know where I am or who I am. I've used everyone in my life for something. I usually use them for whatever I can and then pretty much discard them. You're not with my I can't use you. So, I'm a user. I'm manipulative, not very subtle all the time but hey. I'm like a virus. I latch on until everything's used up and then I move onto the next host.
If you can't tell by now, I'm in a really shitty place right now. I thought I've been depressed but nothing matches to what I'm feeling like right now. I think it's more of I've hit a breaking point and I just can't take it anymore. You can almost class this as a classic cry for help, but the only person that can help me is myself and I don't want to help myself... cuz I'm really starting to hate the person that I've become. Now the tears come dammit. I've been trying to cry for the past half a fuckin' hour and now I start crying. And now I've stopped.
I know some of you might reply by telling me to turn back to God. I'm pretty much gonna say, no. I still respect Him, and I will honour Him and will not speak out against Him, but for some reason I don't want anything to do with Him. Add hypocrite to my list of points as well. So yeah, all of you reading this, don't worry to much, I'm too much of an idiot to even think of taking my own life. It repulses me for some reason. So yeah, I'm just gonna end this here for now.
I...am...evil...
Being unemployed and a generally unmotivated person are not a good combination, but it gives me LOTS of time to think and reflect on the past, present and future. And I have come to a conclusion.
I am evil.
Some points to back up my hypothosis. I have no friends. (and that is not a slight against them at all) I have never let anyone get close to me, I am superficial, and am so buried under masks and fakeness I don't know where I am or who I am. I've used everyone in my life for something. I usually use them for whatever I can and then pretty much discard them. You're not with my I can't use you. So, I'm a user. I'm manipulative, not very subtle all the time but hey. I'm like a virus. I latch on until everything's used up and then I move onto the next host.
If you can't tell by now, I'm in a really shitty place right now. I thought I've been depressed but nothing matches to what I'm feeling like right now. I think it's more of I've hit a breaking point and I just can't take it anymore. You can almost class this as a classic cry for help, but the only person that can help me is myself and I don't want to help myself... cuz I'm really starting to hate the person that I've become. Now the tears come dammit. I've been trying to cry for the past half a fuckin' hour and now I start crying. And now I've stopped.
I know some of you might reply by telling me to turn back to God. I'm pretty much gonna say, no. I still respect Him, and I will honour Him and will not speak out against Him, but for some reason I don't want anything to do with Him. Add hypocrite to my list of points as well. So yeah, all of you reading this, don't worry to much, I'm too much of an idiot to even think of taking my own life. It repulses me for some reason. So yeah, I'm just gonna end this here for now.
I...am...evil...
September 25, 2005
Well, paradise isn't really paradise anymore... not saying that I don't love Amanda, I do. I can't think of what I would do if I wasn't with her. But there are a few things that just get me so worked up sometimes it's just not funny. I talked to her about a few of them but she just did something not to long ago that just raised my hackles and made me want to kick her. We just got back from her mothers' place where we had supper. They packed some food in containers for her father cuz he didn't come. She sped all the way from Carelton Place to Nepean, just so she wouldn't "Miss her show". So we finally get home and she opens the trunk and one of the containers opened up. It contained home made baked beans (very nice I might add), and they spilled about half in the trunk. She looked at me and said "You're cleaning this up."
I'm like, "Wha?"
"You're the one that watched him put them in there." She said matter of factly.
"I didn't watch him do anything." I retort.
"Well, you're the one that said 'Yes' when he asked if you wanted some, so you're cleaning them up." and she briskly walks into the house and plops the stuff on the kitchen table and walks up stairs.
Meanwhile at the trunk, I'm wanting to tell her to go fuck herself and take a walk somewhere, but that would get me nowhere. So I clean them up, after getting supplies from the kitchen, and not a word from her. I get back in and again with the orders. "Chuck, put the food away." no please, just commanding. So instead of fighting it and causing a huge ass hubub, I put it away, and take out the kleenex as well. Not saying a thing to her, if she asks, I'm still contemplating wether I should give her the cold shoulder for the rest of the night or what. I still love her, but she's getting on my shit list right now. Anywho, hello and thankyou to anyone and everyone who keeps checking in on here. God bless y'all.
Chuck
I'm like, "Wha?"
"You're the one that watched him put them in there." She said matter of factly.
"I didn't watch him do anything." I retort.
"Well, you're the one that said 'Yes' when he asked if you wanted some, so you're cleaning them up." and she briskly walks into the house and plops the stuff on the kitchen table and walks up stairs.
Meanwhile at the trunk, I'm wanting to tell her to go fuck herself and take a walk somewhere, but that would get me nowhere. So I clean them up, after getting supplies from the kitchen, and not a word from her. I get back in and again with the orders. "Chuck, put the food away." no please, just commanding. So instead of fighting it and causing a huge ass hubub, I put it away, and take out the kleenex as well. Not saying a thing to her, if she asks, I'm still contemplating wether I should give her the cold shoulder for the rest of the night or what. I still love her, but she's getting on my shit list right now. Anywho, hello and thankyou to anyone and everyone who keeps checking in on here. God bless y'all.
Chuck
April 24, 2005
I normally start my posts off with saying, "Wow, haven't posted in ages!" and the like, but I don't think I'm gonna do that this time. So yeah, haven't read my last blog in like forever so I guess I'll just write what comes to mind. So yeah, got a new laptop, the other one was causing too much grief and Bill the DSM of IPG said that I could exchange it for this one, the Compaq M2010. I kindda like it. It's bigger then my Averatec 3220. Meh, I haven't had much luck with electronics in the past while, but hopefully that'll change.
So yeah, haven't taken that TESL course yet. The whole reason to come to Ottawa was to take that course. But I'm not very good at savin' money. Usually when I got it, I spend it. But anywho, been thinkin' of getting into Carelton, possibly for English and some Language courses... thinkin' latin, Mandarin, Hebrew if they got it, maybe some other things... was thinking of taking Psychology, but I'm not sure. Don't know if I'm even going to get accepted or not... but from what one of the girls at work says, I think I have a better chance at getting in there then Ottawa U, that and it's closer. Kindda. *sigh*
So yeah, been downloading stuff on a new P2P program I got, called Limewire. It's pretty good. I've downloaded almost all the episodes of Samurai Deeper Kyo, there's about 24 or so out right now. Yeah, Amanda took me to do my taxes on friday, got about $700 back, paid about $100 to get it done, but at least I got the money right away. Paid off my visa, paid some money to Burbely for rent and stuff, and then bought four mangas from Chapters.com . Issues 1, 6&7 of Rurouni Kenshin, and issue 1 of Tokyo Tribes.
Yeah I'm just ramblin' on about nothin' inparticular, but that's ok. I think I should head to bed now. I'll see if I can write in here again soon... hopefully in less time then it took me from my last post. Anywho, talk to yall later.
Chuck
So yeah, haven't taken that TESL course yet. The whole reason to come to Ottawa was to take that course. But I'm not very good at savin' money. Usually when I got it, I spend it. But anywho, been thinkin' of getting into Carelton, possibly for English and some Language courses... thinkin' latin, Mandarin, Hebrew if they got it, maybe some other things... was thinking of taking Psychology, but I'm not sure. Don't know if I'm even going to get accepted or not... but from what one of the girls at work says, I think I have a better chance at getting in there then Ottawa U, that and it's closer. Kindda. *sigh*
So yeah, been downloading stuff on a new P2P program I got, called Limewire. It's pretty good. I've downloaded almost all the episodes of Samurai Deeper Kyo, there's about 24 or so out right now. Yeah, Amanda took me to do my taxes on friday, got about $700 back, paid about $100 to get it done, but at least I got the money right away. Paid off my visa, paid some money to Burbely for rent and stuff, and then bought four mangas from Chapters.com . Issues 1, 6&7 of Rurouni Kenshin, and issue 1 of Tokyo Tribes.
Yeah I'm just ramblin' on about nothin' inparticular, but that's ok. I think I should head to bed now. I'll see if I can write in here again soon... hopefully in less time then it took me from my last post. Anywho, talk to yall later.
Chuck
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